i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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