Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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