I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
