your parents love me but you hate me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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