I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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