Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
