brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize