his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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