John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
your like the ambassador to my penis.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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