if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
