His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
