My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
