I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
