I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
