We named our party play list daddy issues
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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