Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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