who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
