Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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