if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
did you just send me my own nude
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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