Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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