Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
