I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
