ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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