fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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