You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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