someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize