the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize