I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
