a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
