we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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