I cockslap morals
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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