I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
