Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
