i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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