haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
