why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
