sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
