Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
