New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
