Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
