he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
