can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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