He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Actions speak louder than pants.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
