I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
