I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
