Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize