If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
