Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
