Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
