i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
