Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
