In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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