NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
