I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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