I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
