Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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