wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
