The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
