I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
