Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
