i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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