He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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